Movement Outsourcing

(aka Walking Abstinence)

WHAT IT IS:

Using delivery apps to order from places within walking distance

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:

• A delivery app with service fees that rival your rent
• A debit card with at least $3.27 left after the “small order” surcharge
• No shame about tipping someone to walk the distance you refused to
• Curtains you can peek through while refreshing the tracking map

PROS:

• The thrill of opening your door like it’s Christmas morning, except Santa is wearing a DoorDash windbreaker and looks mildly annoyed.
• Food always tastes 17% better when it arrives through an act of labor you outsourced.
• Your fitness tracker remains blissfully unaware of sidewalks.
• You get to cosplay as a medieval monarch: “Yes, courier, fetch me my burrito from the tavern across the moat.”

CONS:

• You just paid $30.48 (plus tip) for a sandwich that was 200 feet away.
• The fries arrive with the same temperature and enthusiasm as your last breakup.
• Drivers begin recognizing you and silently rehearsing your eulogy.
• Watching the “estimated arrival” timer swing wildly between 7 and 42 minutes triggers a new form of time-based anxiety.
• One day you’ll open the door, and the driver will simply hand you  a mirror.

TRAINING PROGRESSION:
Beginner: Ordering from places across town
Intermediate: Ordering from somewhere 10 minutes away
Advanced: Ordering from a restaurant visible from your home
Elite: Ordering from a place you could reach faster by walking than the driver can by parking

PRO TIP: Order from two places at once so you can experience disappointment in stereo. For the full luxury-lazy effect, recline in bed and shout “Just come in!” when the driver arrives. If they hesitate, whisper: “The code word is mozzarella sticks.”

Difficulty Level: Physically effortless.

Requires only basic thumb endurance and the ability to justify paying delivery fees to avoid a 6-minute walk.

Time Commitment: 15–90 minutes
Includes browsing, indecision, tracking the driver like air traffic control, and standing near the door pretending you weren’t already waiting.

Skill Transferability: Moderate
Useful in project management, delegation, logistics coordination, and convincing yourself you’re “optimizing.”

Cost Over Time: $$$$
A financially ambitious hobby. Especially advanced practitioners may spend $18 to have a $7 sandwich transported 0.3 miles.

Historical Note

In 1789, French philosopher Étienne DuPas became famous not for what he did, but for what he refused to do: move. He denounced walking as “a vulgar hobby of the restless” and insisted on remaining seated whenever possible. When relocation was absolutely unavoidable, he recruited others to carry him — on chairs, carts, and once, a wheelbarrow. Admirers praised his dedication to stillness, though detractors noted he was “both un­moved and unmoving.”