WHAT IT IS:
The timeless diversion of encouraging airborne intruders to leave without violence. Fly Shooing is not about killing — it’s about diplomacy. It’s about standing in your kitchen for twenty minutes, whispering “shoo fly, shoo” like a deranged Victorian ghost.
It’s part observance, part moral performance, and 100% ineffective.
At its highest level, Fly Shooing becomes a study in boundary-setting. You will open doors. You will gesture broadly. You will create what can only be described as an “exit opportunity.” The fly will decline.
Over time, practitioners develop a quiet understanding: the fly is not trapped in your home. You are both simply choosing to remain.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
• A hand
• Patience or something resembling it
• A sock
• A rolled-up magazine (preferably a low-content one with saddle stitching (stapled) for easier rolling
• At least one fly (more = advanced play)
• An open door that implies hope but delivers nothing
• A growing sense that this is now your responsibility
PROS:
• Requires just enough movement to feel like you accomplished something
• Allows you to utter the sacred incantation: “Shoo, fly. Shoo.”
• Can be practiced while wearing pajamas, crying, or both
• Builds false confidence in your ability to influence outcomes
• Offers repeated opportunities to believe “this time worked”
CONS:
• The flies
• No matter how wide you open the door, they will not leave, and more will come in
• You may begin to suspect the fly is a metaphor for your life
• Escalates into light cardio without your consent
• You will lose track of how long you’ve been doing this
• Neighbors may observe you gesturing wildly at nothing
Never try to swat. That’s murder. This is a spiritual negotiation — and you’re losing.
Difficulty Level:
Beginner to Intermediate (emotionally escalates to Advanced when the fly becomes personal)
Time Commitment:
2–20 minutes per session (or until you forget what you were doing before the fly entered your life)
Skill Transferability:
Moderate — builds hand-eye coordination, spatial awareness, and false confidence in your ability to influence outcomes
Cost Over Time:
Free to $0.00 (unless you upgrade to premium tools like a dish towel, magazine, or “special fly swatting shirt”)
